if we break up, who will get the dealer?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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