i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
