your thong is hanging out like whoa
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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