god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
