I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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