his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
