It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
