just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
