I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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