I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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