I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize