So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
