Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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