I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
