guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
