Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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