this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
