Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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