i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
