I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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