why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
