My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Be still, my beating vagina.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
