You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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