I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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