I heard we made out
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
