i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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