I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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