I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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