Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
