so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
