i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
