Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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