taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
