Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
