My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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