You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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