I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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