I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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