Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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