i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
