i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
