thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I wish you could order shots online.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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