last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
