I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
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