That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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