so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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