I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
