it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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