He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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