For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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