I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
