just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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