My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Found the puke drawer
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
