I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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