there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
