im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
