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She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
