I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
