Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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